I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
