My liver just broke up with me...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
