Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
