Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
