I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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