its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
