This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
