I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
