so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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