Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
