Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
