hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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