Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just googled if crying burns calories
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
