tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
