im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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