so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
