I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
