I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You are the jesus of drinking
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
