some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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