If i come over, it means nothing
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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