I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
