last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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