made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
