So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
