News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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