so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
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