My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
