my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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