I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
