So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize