my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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