I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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