i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
