Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
