I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Sober January is a disaster.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
