I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
