fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
