all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
