last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
