Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
