This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
