I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
