dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
