I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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