I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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