Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
