My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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