Your dad touched me again.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
