yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The best revenge is premature balding
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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