Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
